Condiments Can Enhance Your Marriage

A VIEW FROM THE KITCHEN WINDOW
By Chris Sherman
Condiments can enhance your marriage
Nothing says “I love you” like a pickle. A pickle on your spouse’s plate shows how much you care. It’s that little extra thought that keeps the romance in a marriage. Anyone is capable of making a sandwich for someone they care about, but choosing just the right pickle takes time and effort, therefore proclaiming your love in loud, vinegary tones.

The element of surprise sets the romantic heart aflutter. Year after year, your partner made sandwiches sitting there lonely on a plate. Now you come along and make him a sandwich and there is suddenly a pickle. Seeing a pickle where a person does not expect to see one starts a mild adrenaline rush. The receiver of the pickle may mistake this feeling for love. They would never dream it was the presence of the pickle weaving its magical spell. They will think it’s the wonder of you, and your thoughtfulness, and they will relish in their good fortune.

Pickles aren’t the only thing in your refrigerator that can enhance your marriage. After all, you can’t have pickles with everything. Ketchup, for instance, has inadvertently been responsible for many a good marriage. Ketchup is red, the color of love. Red ketchup sends a subliminal message to your partner like no other condiment. He knows it reminds him of something, but he doesn’t realize that it is the memory of his lost romantic love for you. He just knows that when he sees the smooth red condiment he wants to just lean over and kiss you square on the mouth right in the middle of his hamburger.

Should you and your partner have a quarrel, the best recipe for making up should include mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is smooth and creamy and can be soothing to the temper. Let me suggest a turkey sandwich with plenty of mayonnaise. The creamy subtle taste of the turkey, combined with the smooth, slightly tangy taste of the mayo, will calm the roaring beast in his soul. How can anyone harbor hostile feelings toward someone who liberally uses mayonnaise as a salve for a sore and aching heart? If the situation is an argument in the extreme, usually concerning mothers-in-law or money, making the effort to add the romantic properties of the afore mentioned pickle to this sandwich of love, will show that you are willing to make the first move in the healing process. This will only enhance the effect, resulting, no doubt, in lots of syrupy words of apology and hugging, accompanied by a side order of kissing.

Are the two of you getting board with each other? You know each other too well and you are finishing each other’s sentences? Honey mustard will correct this common marriage dilemma in no time. When your partner is expecting just plain old yellow mustard and you surprise her with honey mustard, she may see you in a different light. Honey mustard is all at once sweet and then spicy, just like you are. The sweetness washes over the tongue, soon to be chased away and overwhelmed by a fiery tang. Wow! How many ham sandwiches have hit the floor in a frantic attempt to reach across the table to rediscover one another? Soon you’ll be hand in hand, giggling and cooing like newlyweds. If you were planning an expensive vacation to jump-start your tired marriage, save your money. Honey mustard is where it’s at.

Romance, left unattended, can die like yesterday’s meatloaf. Mundane, everyday life has a way of taking over the best of marriages, leaving them tasteless and bland. In order for romance to stay alive, there needs to be a bit of extra effort on both your parts. Condiments are the perfect place to start. Fire your therapist, throw away all your self-help books and get down to the grocery store. Load up on all things pickley; dill pickles, pickled peppers and sweet pickled watermelon rinds. Get the BIG bottle of ketchup and a vat of honey mustard. The way to the heart belongs on the refrigerator door. Take my advise, and you’ll be happily celebrating your 75th wedding anniversary deli style!
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